07 august 2010

Rock Ramp ja Paradiis

Hetkel on need kaks siis aktuaalsed teemad. Esimene neist olude sunnil. Lihtsalt tungib uksest ja aknast ja korstnast ja keldrist sisse. Mitte et ma seda ise tahtnud oleksin. Pankreasele see muidugi meeldib, sest "kohustuslik" õhtune vein rõdul jäi joomata. Selle asemel olid mustikad, need eestimaised. Aga noodki hüplesid närviliselt kausis rajude helide rütmis.
Ma siis püüdsin enesesugestiooniga tegelda. No teate küll seda, ma ei kuule-ma ei näe, mis ümberringi toimub. Õnnepalu "Paradiis" sobis selleks oivaliselt.
Ja siis ma kõndisin selles Paradiisis. Kõndisin üha edasi ja tabasin end mõttelt, et kus oleks minul seesugune paik. Paradiis, ühesõnaga. Ma leidsingi end oma Paradiisist. See koht oli olemas, ühel ilusal päeval. Ainult et minu Paradiis ei kestnud nii kaua kui Õnnepalu oma. Aga ometi kõndisin ma seal täna taas, oma mõtetes. Ja ma ütlen, et see oli Paradiis. See oli ilus ja hea. Ja ma ei pidanud end pingutama, et mäletada. Mäletada Paradiisi pisimaid detaile. Mäletada lõhnu ja varje ja värve. Värve õhtus. Ja hommikus. Ja mäletada, mis juhtus. Et sellest sai viimane suvi. Üleüldse viimane suvi. Ja viimane sügis. Viimane talv. Kevad.
Pärast Paradiisi on paljud asjad teisiti.
Paradiisi ei minda tagasi. Ei tahakski. Ma olen alles pooleli Õnnepalu Paradiisiga, aga tal oli see teistmoodi. Ma ei tea, millisele järeldusele tema oma Paradiisi suhtes lõpuks jõuab. Kas see oli õppetunni-Paradiis. Või midagi muud.
Mul tuli sügav uni. Selline Õnnepalu Paradiisi uni, mitte see minu Paradiisi uni.
Kuni taas tuletas end meelde Rock Ramp. See kestab ikka veel. Huvitav, mis kellani? Ja huvitav, miks?
Ja siis meenub mulle lapsepõlve-Paradiis. Aga see on juba teine teema. Pikk teema. Sellest saaks kokku eraldi teose. Sellise Lenderi Paradiisi mahuga loo.
Ma jään edasi ootama vaikust. Ja kuni ma seda ootan, on isegi läpaka muidu nii häiriv surin kuulmismeeltele rahustav.
Tahaks hetkel äikest, sellist raju ja hävitavat.
Huvitav, miks?

2 kommentaari:

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